


I could see right from the start that you would be my light in the dark (you gave me no other choice but to love you)

by Irissswests



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, probably an overuse of italics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28247031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irissswests/pseuds/Irissswests
Summary: "She looks up at him almost in disbelief, but there’s a sadness in her eyes. “You died, Barry. Your heart stopped beating.” He can tell she’s fighting to keep her composure and he knows he needs to reassure her, to put a smile back on her face.Without thinking about it he reaches for her hand and carefully places it on his chest, letting her feel the beating of his heart under her hand.“It’s still beating,” he reassures her and she presses her hand against his chest a little harder at that and he just holds it there, the warmth of it seeping through the fabric of his shirt.Because of you, he wants to say, but decides against it."A season 1A Canon Divergence/AU that explores what would happen if Iris and Eddie weren't that serious and if Barry told Iris that he was The Flash much sooner.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Iris West
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	I could see right from the start that you would be my light in the dark (you gave me no other choice but to love you)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been three years since I've posted a fic. And this is one I started over three years ago and had mostly written, but never posted it. I've wanted to edit it and fix it up for a while now and so, here I am finally posting it. This is a Season 1A AU/Canon Divergence that takes place over the first nine episodes (except I ignore the arrow crossover). This started with the idea of Barry telling Iris he was The Flash sooner and Iris and Eddie not being as serious and grew into this massive one-shot. But I'm happy with how it turned out. 
> 
> Title taken from Running Home to You by Grant Gustin
> 
> All mistakes are mine, but please let me know if you notice an errors I need to fix. 
> 
> So I hope everyone enjoys it!

The moment Cisco and Caitlin mention her name he knows what he needs to do. He needs to see Iris. Right now. 

It may feel like no time has passed for him, but it’s been nine months for her and if Dr. Wells and his colleagues' comments are anything to go by; it hasn’t been easy for her. He needs her to know that he’s okay. He wants her to be the first person he sees. 

Walking into Jitters is like second nature to him, but he doesn’t take the time to see if anything has changed, his eyes are searching the room for her until - there. There she is. And for the first time since he woke up everything slots back into place and he can’t help but watch her for a moment, entranced. She’s pouring coffee for a customer, smiling at them, and he can’t move, can’t speak. But he doesn’t have to. It’s as if she senses him watching her and she raises her head and her eyes find him and it feels like all of the breath leaves his body, because damn, she’s beautiful. 

Her eyes go wide in shock and her bottom lip trembles as she raises her hand to her mouth and then she’s running towards him and a grin stretches onto his face as he opens his arms for her. The second her body collides with his and she jumps into his arms he feels like he’s home, like he's right where he’s supposed to be. His reaction is immediate, wrapping his arms around her tightly, so tightly that he lifts her off the ground. And he wants to spin her around, but he settles for holding onto her like this. 

He feels her lips curl into a smile against his neck and, fuck, he never wants to let go. He wants to hold her like his forever. But eventually he sets her back down on her feet, the grin never leaving his face. Now he lets his eyes rake over her. She doesn’t look any different from how he remembers her, but then he sees the smile fall from her face and he feels a pang in his chest. 

She looks up at him almost in disbelief, but there’s a sadness in her eyes. “You died, Barry. Your heart stopped beating.” He can tell she’s fighting to keep her composure and he knows he needs to reassure her, to put a smile back on her face. 

Without thinking about it he reaches for her hand and carefully places it on his chest, letting her feel the beating of his heart under her hand. 

“It’s still beating,” he reassures her and she presses her hand against his chest a little harder at that and he just holds it there, the warmth of it seeping through the fabric of his shirt. 

_Because of you_ , he wants to say, but decides against it. Honestly he noticed that too and remembers what Dr. Wells said about his heart beating too fast for the EKG machine to pick up. And then as if right on cue it seems like the world slows down around him and he peeks around Iris to see a waitress as she trips and drops a coffee pot, but it’s all falling to the ground in slow motion. Then just as quickly as it happened everything is normal and the coffee pot crashes to the ground suddenly. Iris turns at the sound and asks her friend if she needs help, but her hand is still on his chest. 

When she turns back to him he reluctantly lets their hands fall away and she smiles at him. 

“Come on Dad will want to see you.”

Still a little stunned from whatever the hell that was he lets her take his hand and lead him out the door. He’ll have to figure it out later, for now he’s with Iris and he’s about to see Joe. His family is far more important. 

* * *

When he turns the corner he immediately freezes at what he sees and feels his heart sink into his stomach. Iris is kissing Detective Thawne. He can’t move, he’s paralyzed. Fuck, he wishes he could just get the hell out of here and forget he ever saw it. But he can’t. It’s like watching a car wreck. He’s standing there watching her kiss Thawne and wishing it was him. And suddenly he feels like the world’s biggest idiot. He had hoped that maybe, just maybe him being in a coma would make Iris see him differently, that he’d finally be able to tell her how he feels. 

Clearly, that’s not going to happen. 

And of course just to make matters worse as they break apart Iris sees him as she stands up. From where he is he can see her sigh and he tries to shrug and pass it off as nothing, but she shakes her head. He still can’t seem to get his feet to move as she walks towards him keeping some distance between them once she reaches him. She looks a little embarrassed as she bounces on her heels. 

“Want to go for a walk?”

He finds himself nodding in agreement and then she nudges his arm and he puts one foot in front of the other. The farther away they get from Thawne the easier it is for him to breathe, to walk, to look at her. Now it’s just the two of them and it’s always been easier when it’s just them. 

“So you’re dating your dad’s partner. Isn’t that like against department regulations or something?” he asks, unable to keep the judgement and bitterness out of his voice. He knows he’s being an asshole and she doesn’t deserve it, but he’s been blindsided and he’s hurt. And he can’t seem to shut himself up. “I mean what are you thinking? What does Joe think? He can’t be happy about this.”

“He doesn’t know.”

“Iris!”

Suddenly she stops walking and narrows her eyes at him. “Barry,” she says sharply and he knows he’s in trouble. Shit. “If you'll stop being a jerk I’ll explain it to you, if not then you can go.”

He sighs. “I’m sorry,” he tells her. And he is. He’s also extremely jealous, but he wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings or her, he never wants to do that. 

So he stays and they walk and she explains. 

“He covered shifts for my dad so we could both be at the hospital with you. Dad had to force me to go home and shower and try to sleep but I didn’t want to leave you, I didn’t want anything to happen to you while I was gone. I was scared your heart would stop beating again and I-” she cuts herself off pursing her lips together, trying to keep her emotions at bay. He walks a little closer to her, brushing his arm against hers in comfort to remind her that he’s here. It seems to help and she continues on. “I couldn’t lose you. We let Dr. Wells take you to STAR Labs, he was your best hope. And I sat next to you every day, I talked to you hoping that maybe you could hear me. Nothing felt right without you there.” She pauses again and he knows this is going to be the part he doesn’t want to hear. “One day I bought Eddie some coffee as a thank you and for the first time I started feeling normal again. Eventually we went on more coffee dates and it turned into something more. The thing is Barry, you weren’t waking up. It was starting to become months and I didn’t know if you ever would. I needed to do something, I couldn’t just- I didn’t give up on you, I promise. I just couldn’t keep on going how I was, it was too much. I still came to see you, just not as often. Until yesterday when you walked into Jitters it felt like something was missing, like there was a giant gaping hole in my chest, but now that you’re here it’s gone.”

She finishes and looks away from him and he lets her words sink in and gives her moment to recover. It takes _him_ a moment to process her story. Even after hearing her words he still can’t imagine what she went through, how she managed to handle all of it. He knows that if she had been the one in the coma he would have gone out of his mind without her. But he knows Iris better than anyone, knows that she had to keep herself occupied to keep herself from completely losing it. He doesn’t hate her and he’s not angry at her for trying to move on. Nine months is a long time without knowing what’s going to happen. And as much as it kills him to know she was with Eddie, he’s glad that someone was there for her. 

Finally he asks her, “are you happy? Does he make you happy?”

She looks at him in surprise, probably expecting him to question her choice or to tell her that it’s wrong, and yeah he thought about it, but he can’t bring himself to hurt her more. “Yeah, yeah he does.” And there’s a small smile on her face.

He swallows down his jealousy and hurt and says, “then that’s all that matters.”

He wants her to be happy even if it’s not with him, even if he hates seeing her kiss someone else. 

* * *

“So Joe knows?”

“Yeah he does. And he’s pissed.”

“Did you expect any different?”

“Not really,” she sighs. 

They’re sitting across from each other at a table at Jitters. She’s on her lunch break and there’s currently no metahuman on the loose for him to deal with. So of course he’s spending time with her. After getting shot and almost dying Joe found out about Iris and Eddie and is giving both of them the cold shoulder. 

“He’ll come around.”

“Mhmm.”

He watches her for a moment and decides that something else is bothering her, she’s lost in her own head. She’s been staring at her coffee cup for the past couple of minutes and playing with the napkin on the table. 

“Hey,” he says reaching out and covering her hand with his to get her attention. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” she shakes her head and continues to avoid eye contact. She tries to free her hand from his, but he doesn’t let go. 

Bullshit. 

“What is it Iris?”

When her eyes find his he sees a flicker of vulnerability that he knows she rarely lets show, even to him. But then it’s gone and her guard is up again. 

“It’s stupid,” she attempts to get out of it by passing it off as nothing and lowers her eyes once again. 

“I don’t care. You can tell me.”

She’s silent again and he decides to let her hand go and to stop pushing her. He wants to help her, but she’s close to snapping, close to shutting down and that’s the last thing he wants. 

“I’m scared,” she admits and he knows how hard that is for her to say. Because Iris West is fearless when it comes to everything except him and Joe and now maybe Eddie. She doesn’t get scared. “I don’t want to fuck this up. But like I told Eddie, it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship and even then I’ve never really been in a serious one. I don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. I don’t want to mess it up. It’s going really good and I like him, but I think I’ll find a way to screw up.”

He hates seeing her so insecure and wants her to know that she is good enough. And as much as it pains him to give her advice for being with Eddie he wants to be supportive, wants to go be a good friend to make up for all the lying he’s doing right now. 

“Look at me,” he says gently and waits patiently for her to listen. And she does this time. “I know it’s scary, but I don’t think you have anything to be afraid of. Just be yourself, Iris. You’ll figure it out as you go along. Tell him you’re scared, I’m sure he’ll understand.” _He’s an idiot if he doesn’t_ , he thinks to himself. 

“Thanks Barry.”

“Of course.”

* * *

“Oh come on they’re perfect for each other!”

He just rolls his eyes at her antics and tosses a piece of popcorn at her. “Uh-huh.”

She narrows her eyes at him and nudges his thigh with her feet, her toes pressing into him. “You’re just saying that to annoy me.”

He shrugs indifferently. But she’s right. It’s their movie night and once again he’s stuck watching a romantic comedy Iris has been wanting to watch. And he’s honestly powerless against her when she pouts and bats her eyelashes at him until he inevitably gives in. So the only way to get through it is to tease her about the romance. Because that’s easier than thinking about how he wishes he was with Iris, and how different movie nights would be if they were a couple.

It helps a little that they are sitting on opposite ends of the couch, a kind of silent mutually agreed on distance now that she’s dating Eddie 

She lets out an exasperated noise. “Whatever.” They go back to watching the movie for a few minutes before she pokes his leg with her toe. “Hey, speaking of perfect for each other how did it go with Felicity?”

It comes out of nowhere and he’s sure that if he were drinking something he would have spit it out immediately. 

“W-what?” he splutters, turning his head to face as he tries to figure out what’s going on. 

She looks down at the pillow in her lap not answering him right away that alerts him to the fact that something is a little off with her. But then she’s looking at him again and there’s a flush to her cheeks that wasn’t there before. 

“Are you and Felicity together? You seemed pretty close the other night. You’re perfect for each other, you know.”

He hears it, almost imperceptibly, she’s really good at covering it up, but it’s there in the way she says _Felicity_. A little drawn out, with the slightest edge to her voice, it also sounds like she’s forcing herself to sound upbeat and trying to tease him, but failing. It’s something he’s only heard a couple of times from her. Way back in high school when he was dating Becky (Becky Cooooper) and once in college when he had a girlfriend for a brief period of time. It’s jealousy and it sounds weird coming from her. In the past he didn’t think much of it, thinking that it was more because he wasn’t spending as much time with her, but now she’s with someone so she shouldn’t be jealous of Felicity. 

_Perfectly perfect._

It’s what Felicity said. And they were. Maybe in another life he would think about giving it a try with Felicity, but she’s in love with Oliver and he’s in love with Iris, it wouldn’t go anywhere. There’s a part of him that wants to tell her about the kiss and see how she reacts, but surprisingly he doesn't want her to be jealous, it doesn’t suit her. However, there’s something about Iris being jealous that gives him just a teeny bit of hope. 

“No,” he answers softly. 

Her eyes widen in surprise and she lets out a quiet “oh.” He doesn’t let himself dwell on the brief flicker of hope in her eyes that she masks quickly. 

“We’re just friends. She’s great, but she’s in love with someone else.”

_And I'm in love with you._

During his explanation she had scooted closer to him and now she’s in his personal space and he’s not about to complain. He holds her gaze a little longer than he should, but then she gives him a nod and he holds his arm out giving her the invitation to curl against this side. They’ve never been good at personal space anyway.

“Now let’s finish the movie and maybe you can convince me that these two are perfect for each other,” he teases, needing to steer them out of this slightly dangerous territory. 

Thankfully she rolls her eyes and playfully slaps her hand against his chest. “You just don’t get it.”

* * *

The thing is as much as he hates the fact that Iris is writing a blog about _him_ he also admires her passion for it. He just wishes it was about something else, something that won’t put her in danger. It doesn’t help that she’s getting more and more invested to the point where she won’t stop talking about it. Really what makes it worse is that he can’t talk to her about it without telling her the truth which Joe really doesn’t want him to do. So he’s stuck with the task of trying to talk her out of it, a task he wants nothing to do with. 

Only she’s telling him about her meeting with The Streak from last night. 

“I think he smiled at me.”

He tries to ignore the way her eyes brighten and her lips tug up in a smile as she remembers. 

Oh fuck. He needs to stop this now. 

“Oh come on, Iris, you were drinking last night.”

Internally he winces at his words and the way she glares at him. It’s a low blow especially considering he _did_ smile at her. But she _had_ been drinking, more so than she usually does to the point that she had been giggling and hanging off of his arm all night instead of Eddie’s. He hates himself for using that against her, but he has to try, has to try to keep her from believing in the Streak, in _him_. 

She opens her mouth to argue, but closes it quickly knowing that she doesn’t have much of an argument against it. And because he’s already being an asshole he just decides to continue the trend. 

“How serious can you be? It’s an anonymous blog, you haven’t even put your name on it.”

He knows the moment the words leave his mouth that he’s going to regret them that they’re going to come back to bite him in the ass because he sees a glint in her eyes and he knows he’s woken up something inside of her. He just challenged her and she’s going to make this even more difficult for him. 

But for now she says nothing other than, “I have to get back to work.”

He nods and lets her go. He stands there for a moment and runs his fingers through his hair cursing to himself. That could have gone a lot better, but it also could’ve been worse. He has this sinking feeling that he’s starting to lose her and the more he lies to her the worse it’s going to be.

Joe’s going to be pissed. 

* * *

His second attempt doesn’t go much better. 

He does probably the stupidest thing he could possibly do; he sees her as The Streak. He doesn’t think there’s another way, she put her name on her blog, she made herself a target and he doesn’t know any other way to get her to stop. She won’t listen to him because she knows that he’s hiding something from her. 

So here he is with her on the rooftop standing behind her listening to her speak about how she’s doing this for _him_. How she believes in the impossible because of _him._

_Shrinks analyzed him._

He pushes down the panic in his chest at the reminder of all those time he sat in the shrinks office and begged them to believe him, that his dad didn’t murder his mother, that it was the man in yellow. No one believed him. No one but Iris.

She thinks that he’s losing faith in the impossible and she wants to help him. Her back is to him and he listens with rapt attention to her slightly breathless voice and he wants to reach out and touch her, wants to tell her the truth. It makes him love her even more because she wants him to believe. The irony of it all isn’t lost on him. 

“Help me save my friend.”

His heart stutters in his chest and she turns towards him and he forces himself to take a step back and blur his face. He ducks his head down, overwhelmed with emotion, with her faith in him. She’s looking at him with trusting eyes and there’s a part of him that wants to tell her the truth right here and now. Maybe it would lessen the weight on his chest, maybe it could save their friendship, maybe she would understand. 

But he doesn’t. 

“He’s a lucky guy.”

Instead he gives her another warning and leaves her on the roof. 

* * *

_Maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while._

Why the hell did he think that was a good idea? Because in all honesty he hates the distance. He hates that they aren’t speaking. He hates not talking to her every day. He misses her. He misses her so damn much. It’s his fault. He knows it is. The lies were beginning to get to him and he couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth so he tried to put some space between them, but really it’s almost worse. 

The only thing is he can’t stay away. 

So Iris and The Streak have the occasional meeting on the rooftop. He can’t help himself. He knows it’s wrong, especially after the last time when she said she was doing it for him. And he thought it wasn’t possible to love her more than he already does. He’s always admired her kind heart and compassion for others and really without her he doesn’t know where he'd be, without her believing in him. 

He finds her inside Jitters and automatically senses something is off with her. She’s sitting at the counter with her head in her hands and for a moment he wishes he wasn’t The Streak that he could be Barry right now, but he’s not. He makes sure to make some noise so he doesn’t startle her. 

He doesn’t miss the smile that appears on her face when she turns around to see him. “Hi.”

“Hello, Miss West.”

And then he whisks her to the rooftop making sure to keep his distance. He fears that one of these days she’s going to get too close and he’ll slip up and she’ll figure it out. Though sometimes he feels that might not be a bad thing. 

She stands near the ledge looking out over the city and he comes to stand near her. She sighs. 

“My boyfriend and I broke up.”

_What?_

He swears that his heart is beating out of his chest. He can’t believe it, he thought they were pretty serious. On the inside he’s smiling because now he might have a chance, but then he sees her face and pushes down his own happiness, because clearly she’s torn up over this. 

Keeping his voice as neutral as possible he asks, “are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugs. “My best friend and I aren’t speaking. And I really wish I could talk to him about this. I know he never really liked the idea of me and Eddie dating, but - I don’t know. I miss him.” And to him it sounds like she’s more upset about them not talking than she is about breaking up with Eddie.

“I bet he misses you too. You should go talk to him.”

Why the fuck did he say that? He’s an idiot. A fucking idiot. But maybe she’ll listen to The Streak and then he can make this right. Because honestly he hates seeing her like this.

“He’s keeping something from me.”

“Maybe he’s trying to keep you safe.”

“But he doesn’t lie to me. Not like this. I can tell it’s tearing him up too. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why he won’t tell me.” 

Her voice cracks on the last word and that just about kills him right then and there. 

He opens his mouth to say something he’ll probably regret when she says, “I should go.”

He nods and then runs them back downstairs. He pauses in the doorway and looks at her. “Goodnight, Miss West.”

* * *

It’s nearly midnight when he hears a knock on his door. Quickly he goes to answer it knowing there’s really only one person it could be at this hour. He thinks of the conversation he had with her earlier as The Streak and wonders if she listened to his advice. 

She’s on the other side of the door, arms wrapped around her middle and she worries her bottom lip between her teeth. At first it doesn’t seem like she realizes that he’s opened the door, she’s glancing down at her shoes and he can practically feel the nervousness radiating off her. And somehow that puts him at ease, because he’s nervous too. 

“Iris?”

The gentle call of her name is loud in the silence and he sees her body recoil ever so slightly before she lifts her head and meets his eyes. “Eddie and I broke up.”

Even though it isn’t news to him, he’s still not sure how he feels about it. If he should be happy or furious. And he’s not sure what to do for her. If he should offer platitudes or comfort her. So he looks her over and tries to gauge where her head is at and what she needs right now. She doesn’t seem to be too upset, but he also knows how good she is at hiding what she’s really feeling. And he remembers earlier how she seemed more upset about the distance between them than the break up with Eddie. It still says a lot that she’s here when things have been so strained between them. That despite that she will still come to him when she needs him. And that’s when he decides that it doesn’t matter how he feels about the situation, what matters is her and making sure that she’s okay and being there for her. 

“Come on,” he says softly, gesturing for her to come inside. 

She only hesitates a second before stepping inside. He closes the door behind her and is surprised when she goes straight to his room and sits on his bed. Saying nothing he sits next to her making sure to leave some space between them so he doesn’t overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable. Even though all he wants to do is hold her. 

She stares down at her hands clenched together tightly in her lap and he waits for her to speak. He wants to ask what happened because it’s been bothering him since earlier and he desperately wants to know where it all fell apart. He thought they were happy. But he knows that can’t push her right now, he already did that and it backfired. She’ll talk when she’s ready and he’ll listen. 

“I was supposed to go to his place for dinner tonight, but I lost track of time working my blog.” He inwardly flinches at the mention of the thing that drove a wedge between him and Iris in the first place and he notices that she doesn’t look at him when she says it either. “I was over an hour late and he was pissed and we fought. And it wasn’t just about being late, it was about a lot of things. He didn’t like the way I was hanging out with you the other night and that I kept putting him off and ignoring his calls. I think he realized I was more interested in my blog and The Streak than I was being with him.”

He swallows and he’s glad that she’s not looking at him right now. Unknowingly he’s the reason why they broke up. Because she’s obsessed with The Streak and he’s too much of a coward to tell her the truth. He tries to push the guilt away and tries to focus on her right now because he’s worried. 

“Are you okay?” He asks gently and he wants to touch her, comfort her, but he doesn’t know if she’ll let him. 

She tilts her head to look at him and she nods. There’s no sign of tears and he’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. 

“I think so. It was kind of mutual. Once the fighting stopped we both realized it was for the best if we broke up.” Her eyes dart away again. “I just - I don’t know. I liked him a lot and he made me happy, but something was missing. I can’t explain it, it just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see myself being with him forever.” He can feel the hope rising inside of him and immediately hates himself for it. Just because she couldn’t see herself with Eddie doesn’t mean she sees herself with him either. “It’s my fault. I fucked it up, maybe I just couldn’t let myself be happy with him. I knew that if I fell in love with him it would inevitably lead to heartbreak and so maybe I did it all on purpose so I could avoid that hurt in the future.” At this point her carefully constructed walls are cracking and he can see right through them. He can see the hurt and the fear and the self loathing. 

But then she shrugs trying to appear unaffected. “It’s easier this way. Now my dad doesn’t have to worry about me dating his partner. It’s for the best.”

Her brown eyes find his and for the first time tonight she holds his gaze and something passes between them and he’s not sure what it is exactly, but he can feel himself hoping again and he has to look away before he says or does something stupid. He can’t let himself hope right now. Because even if she felt _something_ for him she’s clearly not in the right space for anything right now. And as much as he wishes he could have something with her, and even if she felt the same he has to tell her the truth first. And that’s not going to happen yet. 

He hears a quiet sniffle and he observes her. She’s doing her best to hold it all in. Her lips are pressed together in a tight line and her shoulders are tense and the rest of her body is rigid, like any little movement will release everything she’s trying to keep in. But there’s the slightest tremble to her chin, she doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want to be weak. 

“It’s okay to be sad, Iris,” he tells her because he knows that she thinks she doesn’t deserve to be sad because she was the one to end it. “It’s okay to cry. I won’t think any less of you.”

“I’m fine.” She shakes her head and the words come out a little choked, but she’s definitely not _fine._

“Iris,” he does his best not to let his frustration through as he reaches his hand out to cover hers. “It’s me.” Meaning, it’s okay, stop holding it in. 

One tear slips from her eyes and then it’s like the floodgates have finally opened because the tears won’t stop and he easily brings her into his arms and she goes without a fight. He doesn’t give her any false promises or empty words of comfort, he just lets her cry and rubs her back while he holds her. 

* * *

Hours later, after the school hallway and running faster than he ever has before and after his hand has healed he heads to Jitters. He knows she’ll be there and he needs to see her, needs to make sure she’s really okay. He can’t do it as himself, because _Barry_ isn’t supposed to know the details of what happened, only The Streak does. 

He reaches the door and looks inside. She’s the only one there with her back to him as she cleans the tables. It’s almost as if nothing happened today as if she’s not affected. And he has to wonder how she isn’t? But maybe it’s just him because this whole thing scared the shit out of him. From the moment he heard she had been taken there was an uneasy knot forming in his stomach and it has still yet to go away. The fear of losing her to a metahuman isn’t something he can let go. 

The bell above the door chimes announcing his entrance and she spins around immediately at the noise and smiles when she sees him. And he can’t help but stare as she smiles at him, that beautiful smile of hers and god he just wants to tell her the truth now. He’s tired of lying, he’s tired of pretending around her. But at the same time he wants to keep that smile on her face. But he can still feel the fear and anger and other countless emotions swirling inside of him, simmering just under the surface ready to break free. 

He really shouldn’t be here right now. 

“Hi,” she breathes out, the smile never fading from her face oblivious to his inner struggle. 

And suddenly the air in the room is too thick and her smile is too much. 

“Can we go to the roof?” he asks, making sure to vibrate his vocal chords. He knows he doesn’t really need to ask. He could easily just run her up to the rooftop and she wouldn’t mind. But he feels so out of it right now. 

She nods and there in her dark brown eyes he sees concern. Concern for him. No, concern for _The Streak_. _Is it possible to be jealous of yourself?_ Before he can think about it too much he speeds towards her and whisks her up to the roof. Once up there he makes sure to put some distance between them even though all he wants is to be closer to her. 

Taking a deep breath he faces her and lets his eyes linger and that’s when he notices the discoloration on her arm and the white bandage on her hand. He can feel his blood boiling and he has to push down his rage at Tony for hurting her and at himself for letting his childhood bully take her because of _him_ , even though he just wants to scream and rage. 

He wants nothing more than to be able to reach out and touch her. To run his fingers over her bruises, he wants to _heal_ her. And right now he wishes the ability to heal others was one of his powers. 

“Are you okay?” he asks in a choked voice still unable to take his eyes off the bruises. 

Her eyes follow his and she rubs her arms and there’s a flash of _something_ in her eyes that he can’t quite read. But then she shrugs. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

She’s doing it again. Brushing things off like it’s nothing when it’s really something. Trying to act like everything is totally fine, because she feels like she has to be strong all the time. But she’s shaken by this. 

“Did he hurt you?” he can’t help it. He needs to know if there’s more than the bruises he can see and the broken hand. A broken hand because she punched a fucking metahuman that turns into metal so she could save him. 

She just shakes her head. “Just grabbed my arm and threw me to the ground. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. Just wanted to impress me. He thought he could be you and that I would - I don’t know. But it didn’t work.” She smiles at him and steps closer, he sucks in a breath. “You saved me.”

He turns away from her again walking towards the edge of the roof. It’s too much. His emotions are churning inside of him, he feels like a live wire, feels like he’s going to go off any second. 

There’s a gentle hand on his arm and he nearly jumps out of his skin at her touch. He wishes he could just let her touch him, let her comforting touch soothe him and calm him like it normally does. But right now it makes him uneasy. He doesn’t want to think about what it means that she’s touching him like this and she doesn’t even know it’s him. And that’s the problem. He’s not sure if he can do this anymore. 

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t know if he can, doesn’t know what he would say if he answered her. But he does know that right now he’s far from being okay. “You know what you did was pretty amazing. For a moment I thought you were going to leave me there with him.” His stomach drops at her words and he wants to tell her he would never leave like that. “But then you burst through the doors and knocked him out, it was like you - you come and go in a flash.” And then her eyes light up like she just solved a difficult puzzle. “What do you think about The Flash?”

“What?” Sometimes it’s hard to follow her train of thought, to know what she’s thinking and he can tell by the grin spreading in her face that she’s getting excited. 

“Instead of The Streak, what about The Flash?”

That sounds a thousand times better than The Streak so he lets out a little laugh. “Okay.” And for a moment he feels better, lighter and it’s because of her. 

She’s still grinning. “I could write about you. You know, let the world know how amazing you are. Tell everyone how you saved me, how you save the people of Central City each day. I could-”

“No.”

He practically growls catching her by surprise, but then her face falls and her eyes get colder and harder. 

“Excuse me?” It’s a challenge and now she’s standing toe to toe with him. And he can’t back down now. He can’t let her do this. He can’t let her get hurt again because of him.

“You can’t do that. Write about me. Associate your name with me.”

“Why the hell not?” She asks loudly, angry. “Why don’t you want people to know how amazing you are?”

“Because it’s dangerous!” He shouts it’s all coming to the surface now, everything that’s been building all night is coming out. She flinches, but doesn’t take a step back. “Look at what happened today. He took you because you wrote about me. He hurt you to get to me. That can’t happen again.”

“So i’m just supposed to keep quiet because it’s safe? I don’t care!”

“I do!”

Oh shit. Shit. Shit. _Shit._

It comes out before he can stop it. Her eyes narrow and she scrutinizes him and he’s lucky that he still remembers to blur his face because he’s pretty damn sure his voice cracked. This is not how he saw this going. 

“Why?” Her voice is quieter but still questioning and defensive. “Why do you care about me so much? You barely know me.”

He doesn’t answer her. His heart is stuck in his throat. This is the moment. If he’s going to tell her now is the time. The words are on his tongue. 

But he’s been silent too long and she’s out of patience. “You know what, never mind. I have something to write.”

She starts to walk away and then words are out before he can stop them. There’s no going back now. If he let’s her walk away nothing will be the same again. He’ll have lost her in both areas of his life. 

“Iris, wait.”

He doesn’t distort his voice when he speaks, he lets her hear _his_ voice. She freezes in place once she does. Her back is to him so he can’t see her face and he can’t gauge what she’s feeling right now, but he can damn well guess that she’s in shock and probably more than a little pissed. 

“I’ll tell you why I care so much. Just come here and I’ll tell you.”

He wonders what’s going through her mind right now, but she spins around and slowly, cautiously makes her way over to him. And he’s holding his breath when she stops with a good distance between them. He doesn’t know what she’s going to do, what she’s going to say. 

With her this close he stops blurring his face too and lets her see him. It’s now or never. He can’t keep it from her any longer. Her eyes widen and then he sees the anger and the hurt and betrayal flash in them. 

“Take it off,” she demands. “Take it off right now,” her voice takes on an almost hysterical tone and he knows she’s barely holding it together right now.

There’s a moment where he thinks about asking her to do it, but decides that would be pushing it too far. So he takes a deep breath, after he does this he may lose her for good, but at least she’ll know the truth. 

Slowly he peels the cowl off and he’s surprised at how freeing it feels. To show her who he really is. He keeps his eyes on hers and watches every single emotion that flickers across her face. She takes him in for a moment like she’s processing that this Barry, that it’s been him the whole time. 

She just stares at him. And he waits for her to say something, anything. He knows she’s just trying to process it all, but the silence is getting to him. 

“Iris.” He can’t take it anymore. 

She holds up her hand effectively stopping him from saying anything else. “Don’t.” Her voice shakes and this time she doesn’t try to hide it. “All this time and you choose now - I don’t understand I-”

“I wanted to tell you, I swear I did. But I wanted to keep you safe -”

“Look how well that worked out,” she mutters under her breath, but he knows he’s meant to hear it. “And you didn’t think that if I knew then maybe that would keep me safer? Then I would know what’s going on?”

Her tone is harsh and filled with hurt, but she’s right. Telling her could’ve kept her safer than this. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells her, because it’s really all he can say. “I should have told you. I did think it would keep you safe. And honestly I’d do anything to keep you safe. But god, when I heard that you had been taken - I - it felt like, I don’t know, but it was because of _me_. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

Her eyes soften a little at his words but she still wraps her arms around herself protectively, shielding herself from him. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again because he doesn’t think he can say it enough. “I-”

“Barry, I can’t. I know you’re sorry, but this is a lot you can’t expect me to forgive you, you can’t expect me to be okay with this. I - I need to process this and...I just need time.”

He nods. “Okay.”

He knows there isn’t much else he can say, but he decides to give it one more try. 

“Please take your name off it. Don’t write about me anymore. I can’t stand it if you get hurt again because of me.”

She looks him dead in the eyes and answers coldly, “No.”

And then this time he’s the one left alone on the roof.

* * *

He rushes into the precinct pushing past people asking if they’ve seen Joe or Iris. With each passing second the panic rises and all he can think about is the worst case scenario. Both of them are dead. Joe is dead. Iris is dead. He can’t lose them. They are his family and he doesn’t know what he would do without them. But he pushes those thoughts from his mind and continues his frantic search. 

Where the fuck are they?

He needs to find them now before he goes even more out of his mind. Then he sees Eddie being wheeled past him on a stretcher and his heart sinks. He continues on and then he sees Tockman in handcuffs and a bandage wrapped around his knee. What the hell happened here?

And then finally, _fucking finally_ , he sees them. He comes to a stop at the bottom of the stairs and he can’t help the grin spreading across his face in pure relief at the sight in front of him. Joe and Iris, both alive and safe sitting next to each other on the steps, Iris leaning into her father. He can breathe again, for a while it seemed like his whole world was crashing down around him. 

All he can do is stand there and watch them, his feet won’t move, but this time he’s okay with it. It’s not a bad thing, because he’s afraid that if he looks away this will all be some fucked up dream too good to be true. 

Then he hears it, the soft whisper of his name and his eyes instantly find hers. Her eyes hold him in place and he can’t help help but think that he could have lost her today and he wouldn’t have known it. And that the last time they spoke, they fought and Iris could barely look him in the eye when he told her the truth. 

Iris lifts her head from her dad’s shoulder and Joe gives her a kiss on the side of the head and then before he can even process what’s happening she’s running down the stairs right to him. He has a few seconds to prepare himself for impact as she runs right into his arms and he crushes her to his body placing a hand on the back of her head keeping it against his chest. The tension and fear slowly drains out of him as he focuses on the feel of her in his arms, _safe_ , where she belongs. She trembles against and he just holds her tighter, like he’s trying to absorb it. 

“I’m sorry,” he says into her hair, feeling tears burning in his eyes. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. That I couldn’t help, couldn’t save you and everyone else.” _I’m sorry for lying to you, for everything._

Small hands clutch the back of his shirt, twisting it and holding on tight. And then a gut wrenching sob escapes her and he rocks them back forth making quiet shushing sounds into her hair. She cries into his chest and does his best to reassure her to surround her with his safety and warmth and just not to let her go, give her as much time as she needs. Which really isn’t that hard because he never wants to let her go. 

He’ll never stop beating himself up for not being there, for being powerless and useless to do anything to keep Iris and Joe safe. To prevent this from even happening in the first place. What makes it even worse is that they didn’t know that he lost his powers, they probably thought he would be there, but he never showed. Once again he let them down, let Iris down. 

Eventually when the sobs subside and she’s sniffling quietly he gently lifts her head up so he can get a good look at her. He swears he’s never seen anyone as beautiful as she is right now with her tear stained face and red eyes and smudged make up, biting her lower up to stop the slight tremble of her chin. She’s breathtaking. 

He pushes her hair back from her face twisting his fingers into it gently. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you? What the hell happened?” He rattles off question after question, desperate for answers and she waits until he’s finished to answer. 

“I’m okay,” her voice is hoarse from all the tears. “He had us all in a circle, hands handcuffed behind our backs. He didn’t hurt me. But he shot Eddie and then he took me with him, but by some miracle I managed to get Eddie’s extra gun off him. When he took me into the hallway I shot him in the knee. It was enough to distract him and to get the cops inside.” There’s a hint of smile on her face at what she did, but that quickly fades as she looks past him to that hallway. “Fuck, Barry, I could have died, there was a gun to me, I-”

“Hey, hey, look at me,” he says firmly, his voice sounding much stronger than he feels right now as her tears start again. He cups her face in both hands and she looks at him. “You’re okay.” He somehow manages to crack a smile. “You saved yourself, and everyone else. You were so brave, Iris, I’m so proud of you. You did so good.”

“A girl’s gotta be her own hero every now and again, right?” she says with the same weak, watery smile. 

“Yeah,” he manages to say. 

A part of him is glad that she hasn’t asked why he wasn’t there and the other part of him feels uneasy. What does she think of him? Does she think he’s incapable of being a hero? Of saving her and other people? Has he completely lost her trust? 

Not wanting to think about it anymore he pulls her back into the circle of his arms and she goes easily, tucking herself against him burying her face into his chest. 

“Barry?” her voice is muffled by the fabric of his shirt but he still hears her clearly. 

“Yeah?”

“Promise me something.”

 _Anything_ , he wants to say. “Hmm?”

“Don’t let go.”

He presses a kiss to her hairline and breathes out. “Never.”

* * *

The next morning he sits across from her at the table. It’s silent and a little awkward. After everything that had happened the night before he had spent the night on the couch, not wanting to be alone and not wanting to let Iris and Joe out of his sight. No one had argued. But now in the morning light things were different. And he isn’t naive enough to think that the adrenaline fueled moment he and Iris had at the precinct is enough to erase the hurt he caused, it’s not going to fix everything between them, even if he wishes it was. 

So they sit and drink their coffee neither of them wanting to speak first. She reaches out to cover his hand with hers and he wants so badly to turn his over and link their fingers together, but he doesn’t, just lets her squeeze his hand before letting go. 

“Barry, I-,” she starts and then stops and lets out a frustrated sigh. He gives her a small smile and the space to think about her words, he knows that whatever she’s about to say is going to be important so he doesn’t want to rush her. 

“Look, I’m still hurt and pissed, but if yesterday taught me anything it’s that I don’t want to lose you. I need you in my life. I…”

“But you still need some time,” he says gently. 

“Yeah,” she agrees. 

He gives her a sad smile and stands before crossing over to her side of the table and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Take all the time you need.”

She looks up at him, a little surprised. 

“I’m not going anywhere, okay? When you’re ready to talk or not talk, I’m here. If you need me for anything…” he trails off with a shrug, but she nods understanding his meaning. 

He gives her a half smile and then he’s out the door. 

* * *

The next month is a little weird. 

Whenever there’s something he wants to tell Iris he has to stop himself from reaching out to her. He wants to give her the space she needs to figure things out. And he holds on to the hope that eventually things will get better between them, that maybe they can go back to how they used to be. 

The thing is they aren’t _not_ talking. He still goes to Jitters occasionally and they engage in small talk. At first it’s a little awkward, but becomes a little easier. Sometimes he sees her at the precinct visiting Joe. He notices there’s a couple of weeks where Joe is in a funk and he doesn’t see Iris around at all, but he doesn’t dare pry. It’s not his business. 

He misses her. He misses how close they used to be. But he takes the time to get used to being The Flash, to get a better handle on his powers. 

Surprisingly she still writes about The Flash, and she’s gained quite the following too. So when he can he gives her a heads up if something is happening. He also takes the time to read through all of her blog posts and he reads the comments too. And he realizes that she’s really doing some good for the people of Central City. Her words inspire hope and belief in the impossible and he wishes he never tried to get her to stop, because clearly she was meant to do this. So yeah, he helps her out when he can because it’s the least he can do. 

Then after a month or so Iris reaches out, says she’s ready to talk. 

* * *

He’s been staring at the board for hours now. Nothing’s changed. All the strings, photos, and articles are in the same place. Not since the last time he looked at it. But it feels wrong not to look at it. He needs to remind himself that despite everything else that has been going on in his life becoming The Flash, mending his relationship with Iris he’s still trying to catch the man who murdered his mother. 

The man in the yellow suit is back in town and he’s going to catch him. He has to. 

His eyes fall on a picture of his mom and her smiling face. He bites down in his lip until it bleeds (and then heals) trying in vain to keep the tears from spilling over. Fuck, he misses her. Misses her every goddamn day. A long time ago he stopped wondering what his life would be like if she was alive, knowing that going there wouldn’t help him. But times like this he can’t help but think about it. He wishes she was here, he could really use one of her hugs, her gentle words of encouragement, her love. She would know what to do, what to do with Iris, with everything. 

He thinks about the days when he would come home from a bad day at school and she would always be there to make it better. And then one day she wasn’t. He remembers that first day coming home from school, walking home with Iris and her gentle reminder that he was coming home with her. He remembers walking inside the West home and expecting to see his mom appear and ask him how his day was. But she never did. Instead he ran up to his room and didn’t come out until the next morning. 

And of course he remembers the night she was murdered, doesn’t think he’ll ever forget it. He remembers her tucking him into bed, how scared he had been of the dark. _You’re never alone, Barry_ , she told him. (And yet right now he feels so alone). He remembers waking up in the middle of the night, remembers going down the stairs and seeing red and yellow lightning, remembers the man in yellow. He remembers her screaming. 

_“Barry!”_

He can’t get the screaming out of his head. 

_“Barry!”_

And then he was suddenly outside far from his house and had to run all the way back only to find his mom already in a body bag and his father being arrested. Everything ruined in one night, by one man. 

“Barry?”

A soft voice breaks him out of his memories and he turns his head to see Iris standing a few feet away from him, worry etched clearly on her face. 

“Huh?” his voice is scratching and he discreetly tries to wipe away the tears he feels on his face, unaware that he had been crying. 

“I called your name a couple of times, but you didn’t answer.” He realizes that he had heard his mom’s voice instead of hers. “You okay?”

He turns his attention back to the board. “Yeah.” It’s completely unconvincing, but she doesn’t push it further. 

Instead she steps closer and looks over the board. “I didn’t know you still looked at this.”

He ignores her words, not wanting to comment. “What are you doing here?” he asks, the words coming out harsher than he intends, but he’s not exactly in the mood for company, even hers. He hears her huff in frustration, but she doesn’t make a move to leave. 

“Barry,” her voice is nothing but patient. “Dad told me about the man in yellow and I thought you could use a friend right now.” She leaves that hanging and he swears she sounds nervous like she thinks he’s going to reject her and ask her to leave. They’ve patched things up between them and it’s been better than it was, but at times neither of them are sure if they’re doing too much. But regardless of that he doesn’t think he has it in him to ask her to leave. Because she’s the only one he can really talk to about his mom, the only one who understands and he needs her right now. 

“I miss her, Iris,” he breathes out. “I think about her everyday and I can’t help but wonder if she would be proud of me. Of who I am, what I’ve been doing.”

He feels like he let his mother down. That he’s something she wouldn’t want him to be. That she’d be disappointed in him.

Pissed off with himself and everything else (he had the man in yellow in front of him and failed spectacularly) he abruptly gets to his feet and with a pained cry pushes his chair across the room. It crashes loudly against the wall echoing in the quiet room. He walks over to his desk placing his hands flat on in and hunches over. 

And suddenly he feels ten years old again and he’s back in that living room and the red and yellow lightning is all he can see. The tightness that’s been in chest all night is getting tighter and tighter and his breath quickens and all he can hear is her mother screaming. 

“Barry.”

He barely registers Iris’ voice until there are arms wrapped around his middle and a warm weight at his back. She squeezes him tightly and he immediately relaxes under her touch, the panic slowly ebbing away. She places a hand on his chest and he covers it with his own hand as he tries to get his breathing under control. He’s still trying desperately to hold back the tears, to keep himself from completely losing it because her touch is his undoing and he’s so close to falling apart. 

“Breathe,” she tells him. “I’ve got you.”

Her words manage to get a small smile out of him and his breathing is close enough to being back to normal that she loosens her hold just a little bit, but doesn’t move away. Without having to look her in the eyes it’s easier to say the words he needs to. 

“All I do is fuck things up. All I do is fail. I feel like I can’t do anything right lately. I mean how could she be proud of that? I had the man in yellow, Iris, he was right there, but I - I don’t know then I got my ass kicked and he got away. And then - then there’s all the ways I fucked things up with us.”

He hears and feels her sigh and then before he can quite realize what’s happening she’s turning him around. “Listen to me, Barry Allen.” It’s said in a way that he has no choice but to do as she says and just to make sure she takes a hold of his chin between her fingers so that he can’t look away. “You are a hero. You save lives. And I think she would be so proud of the man you’ve become. In fact I know she would. _I am._ ” Her fingers skim along his face and it calms him as he leans into her touch without thinking about it and he can’t take his eyes off of hers as she gives him a gentle smile. “And you haven’t fucked things up with me. We’re okay, Barry. We’re going to be just fine. You have me and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

“Okay,” his voice cracks a little but he smiles back at her. 

Her smile widens and he thinks it’s the best thing in the world. It’s like she’s the light chasing away all the darkness that’s been surrounding him the last couple of days, weeks, and months. 

* * *

“Barry,” she whispers, glancing up at him, eyes wide in shock. Between her fingers she holds the delicate gold chain with a wedding band attached. 

Her eyes drift back down to the ring as she places it in the palm of her hand when she looks back at him it’s almost like she can’t believe he’s giving her this. Her mouth opens trying to form words, but nothing comes out. And he knows he made the right choice. He’s always wanted to do this for her, but he could never find the right time. It helps that she’s no longer with Eddie because it sure as hell would make it awkward to give another man’s girlfriend a wedding ring. But considering everything they’ve been through the past few months he decided to go for it. And it’s all worth it to see the look on her face. 

“It’s…” she starts, but trails off the emotion getting the better of her. 

“A replica of your mom’s wedding ring,” he finishes for her in a quiet voice. “The one you lost on the fifth grade field trip to the zoo.”

“You remembered?”

He nods and smiles. “Of course I did.”

It seems that once again he’s rendered her speechless which is quite an accomplishment considering how much she likes to talk. She can’t stop staring at the ring holding it carefully in her hand like she doesn’t want to leave fingerprints on it. 

Gently he takes it from her hands and has to hold in a laugh at her outraged expression that he dared take it from her. But he just shakes his head. “Come here.” He gestures so she knows he wants to put it on her. Her face melts into a smile as she turns around and he gets up on his knees, his chest brushing against her back and he doesn’t miss her sharp inhale at the contact. She pulls her hair off to one side giving him better access. His own breath comes out a little too quickly for his liking as he tries to control his shaking hands as he clasps the chain around her neck. He’s so tempted to bend down and kiss the base of her neck right where the clasp is. It’s right there, taunting him, it would be so easy. But he restrains himself knowing that they just got their friendship back on track, and it’s been going great and he doesn’t want to make things awkward or make her uncomfortable. 

When she turns to face him again they’re much closer than he was expecting and he can feel her breath on his face. Her fingers play with the necklace, but her eyes are locked on his and it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. Her eyes hold him in place and he wouldn’t be able to break her gaze even if he wanted to. 

Before he can stop himself he reaches out a hand brushing his knuckles along her jawline and her eyes never once waver. And then she’s leaning and he is too. So much for restraining himself. Their lips touch ever so softly and lightly and his world rocks on its axis. Her lips are soft and full against his and he never, ever wants to forget this feeling. 

It’s a quick, fleeting kiss and they both lean back after a few seconds. He doesn’t know if he wants to open his eyes, doesn’t know if this is what she wants, if she feels the same way he does - completely, hopelessly, and irrevocably in love. But when he finally braves it she has a shy smile playing on her lips and he can’t help but grin back at her. 

And then they’re closing the gap again. 

This time it’s a little more than just a touch. It’s lingering and he presses his lips to hers harder and their lips fit together perfectly. He thinks he could easily get addicted to her lips, to the feeling of them against his, soft. He thinks about taking a chance to try and deepen it but - 

She’s pulling back and he looks at her searchingly for any sign of what she’s feeling right now and her eyes are wide and panic is clearly etched on her face. She’s ready to bolt. And there’s a part of him that thinks he should let her, but another part of him is tired of them running from each other. So when she gets to her feet he does too, and grabs her wrists in each of his hands. His hold is gentle, she could easily pull away if she wanted to, but she stays where she is almost like she's frozen in place.

He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again, suddenly unsure of what to say. Unsure of what he can say to reassure her. He wants this with her so badly, and he thinks she wants it too, but she’s scared. 

Instead of saying anything he just pulls her into his arms for a tight hug and it takes a moment but then she relaxes and hugs him back. Resting his cheek on top of her head he closes his eyes and savors the moment and how right it feels. He doesn’t know how long they stand there in each other’s arms but as the minutes pass by he realizes it’s time to tell he loves her. He thinks this is the right moment and he might not get a better chance. 

Eyes still closed he breathes her in. It’s now or never. 

“I love you, Iris.”

At first he’s met with silence as she goes still in his arms, but then her fingers grip the back of his shirt a little tighter. He’s a little unnerved by her silence, but still takes it as a good sign that she hasn’t pushed him away in disgust or flat out rejected him. 

And then, “Barry.”

He picks up on the emotion in her voice, the slight questioning tone. She’s asking him if he means it _that_ way. She almost sounds nervous. But then there’s something he can’t quite decipher, something like hope or relief. 

Reluctantly he pulls back and he feels the weight sitting heavy on his chest and he knows he needs to get the rest of this out, he can’t keep it in anymore. He needs her to know. So he takes a hold of her hands and leads her to the couch, there’s no way he can do this standing up he feels like his legs are going to give out any second. 

He turns his body towards her, knees bumping against hers and he’s still holding her hand, he thinks he needs it to anchor him and she seems to realize this too. She rubs her thumb across the top of his hand and it gives him the strength to continue. 

“I’ve loved you since before I even knew what the word love meant. There’s been so many times when I just wanted to tell you and I know I could have done it any time, but I was just so scared to lose you, scared that it would change our relationship and I needed you as a friend more than I needed you as something else. How was I supposed to tell the girl who had seen me at my worst who never looked at me like I was crazy that I loved her?” He pauses and takes in the tears in her eyes, but he can’t stop now. “When I woke up from my coma you were the first person I wanted to see. I was so worried that something had happened to you too. But you were fine and then you jumped into my arms and I knew I had to tell you, that I couldn’t keep it in anymore. But then I realized I had powers and you were with Eddie. I know I fucked up, Iris. I should have never lied to you. I’m so sorry.”

The tears trickle down her face and he wants to wipe them away, but he can’t. He just bared his soul to her and he can’t look at her anymore. She hasn’t said anything yet and he thinks her silence is worse than rejection. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this. Maybe he should have let her run and they could have pretended the kiss never happened. 

“I’m sorry,” he mutters trying to hide the emotion in his voice. He won’t look at her as he slips his hand from hers ignoring the way she holds it tighter, like she doesn’t want him to let go and he makes his way to the door as quickly as possible. 

It only takes a second before she’s calling after him and he’s not processing it, only focusing on getting out of here and running away. 

“Barry, wait!” she calls after him again, but his hand is already on the doorknob. “Barry Allen, stop right there or I swear to god I’ll-”

He turns around and she’s right there, hands on her hips, _that_ look in her eyes and he swallows. 

“Iris, I’m sorry I-”

“You said you love me.”

“I know I-”

“You didn’t let me say anything.”

“Look-”

She sighs, frustrated. 

“Would you just shut the fuck up for a moment?”

And then her hands are curling into his shirt and she’s pulling him towards her and her mouth is on his and suddenly his mind goes blank. Iris is kissing him. She’s kissing him and she doesn’t give him time to react, to kiss her back before she’s pulling away, lingering ever so slightly. 

He opens his eyes after a moment, stunned, and all he can do his blink at her as the corner of her mouth tugs up into a satisfied smile. 

“I love you, Barry.”

It’s the best thing he’s ever heard. It’s everything he’s ever wanted to hear her say. She feels the same. She loves him too. And he’s grinning like a fool at her.

Then with shaking hands he cups her neck bringing his forehead to rest on hers. 

“God, I love you.”

* * *

The second they make it up to her room and the door is shut behind them his mouth is on hers and he has her against the door. She lets out a little surprised squeal as she loops her arms around his neck, tugging him closer as she kisses him back. He doesn’t waste time coaxing her mouth open, kissing her with intention and hunger and she kisses him back with enthusiasm. 

When Iris had texted him earlier and asked if he wanted to come over early before everyone arrives for the Christmas party he had jumped at the chance to get some alone time with her. 

After minutes of kissing he pulls back, trying to catch his breath as he rests his forehead against hers. 

“Hi,” he says cheekily. 

She grins up at him. “Hi.” It comes out a little breathless. 

And then she’s leaning up and kissing him again, slow and sure. He loses track of time kissing her, but his hands start to wander, sliding under her sweater touching her soft skin, his knuckles ghosting against her ribcage enjoying the fact that she shivers and pulls him even closer. 

Then there’s a knock on the door startling both of them apart. 

“Yeah?” Iris manages to say without sounding as flustered as she looks. 

“Everyone’s here,” Joe tells her. 

“Be right down.”

Neither of them move until they hear Joe’s footsteps go down the stairs, then he lets out a laugh and Iris rests her forehead against his chest laughing as well. It feels good to laugh like this, it feels like it’s been ages since he laughed like this and it’s because they got caught making out in Iris’ room by her dad. But he also feels happy in a way that he hasn’t for a long time. 

Once they’ve calmed down he steps away from her so that she can adjust her sweater that he had rucked up and fix her hair. He fixes his own shirt smoothing it down. 

“You good?” she asks him. 

“Yeah,” he answers, voice rough. “I’m good.” But he’s just looking at her. She’s beautiful (which of course isn’t a new observation) but there’s something about the flush of her cheek and her still slightly mussed hair and dazed look, but then there’s that smile on her face. A smile he swear could light up a room. She’s happy too. 

“Let’s go.”

“Wait.”

“What?”

He kisses her once more, because he can’t help himself. This time it’s nothing but a gentle peck. “I love you.” 

She rolls her eyes affectionately at him, but there’s a smile playing at her lips. Now that they’re together he finds that he enjoys telling her he loves her every chance he gets and that she likes it too. 

“C’mon.” She takes him by the hand and leads him downstairs. 

As they reach the bottom of the stairs he can feel everyone’s eyes on them. He catches Joe’s eye as the older man realizes that he had been upstairs with Iris the whole time. Joe gives him a half-hearted glare to which he just rolls his eyes. 

When they had told Joe a few days ago that they were together he had been happy for them. And even though Barry didn’t need Joe’s approval he wanted it. 

Later, everyone gathers around the tree and as Joe puts the angel on the top. Iris comes to stand next to him and without a second thought he wraps his arm around her waist pulling her to his side. Her own arm comes around him as she leans into him. He turns his head so that he can press his lips to the top of her head. She tilts her chin up to look at him, a smile gracing her lips and he leans down and kisses her. It’s chaste because of present company, but still full of love. 

“Merry Christmas, Barry.”

“Merry Christmas, Iris.”


End file.
